We envision ourselves on foreign mountaintops or in a bustling city, a full-time world explorer. But what about when depression hits, the moments when you wonder: “has moving abroad ruined my life?”
Everyone chooses expat living for different reasons. For some people, they are assigned to a foreign country for their work. Others move because they want to, either for fun, or seeking a better fortune.
However, even for those of us who move abroad following our senses of adventure, there are inevitable moments when the gravity of what it means to live abroad comes crashing down.
Our visions of grandeur which saw us standing on foreign mountaintops or weaving through bustling streets are overrun by the reality of spending another holiday alone at home with leftovers, waiting for the phone to ring.
Now please don’t misunderstand me: moving abroad can be one of the BEST experiences. Especially for young people living in the US, I will ALWAYS advocate spending some time abroad.
You will develop maturity, broadened perspectives, and resilience in a way you NEVER could by living in your home country forever.
However, that doesn’t mean the hard moments don’t hit. If you’re planning to move abroad or already living abroad, I want to bring to light in this post some of the untold inner conflicts that come from moving abroad.
“Moving Abroad Ruined My Life“
This may sound dramatic, but for some people, unfortunately, it may be totally true.
Every expat’s worst dream is the possibility of being far away when a loved one passes away or goes through an awful experience. Sadly, I’ve witnessed plenty of expats go through that in my five years abroad.
The scars from that situation and regrets that people carry from not being with their loved one can alter them forever. It may take years to heal from such a heart-wrenching situation.
Furthermore, moving abroad may change you in some NEGATIVE ways, as well as the many positive ones. But some people truly just strike out with the location, situation, and community they find abroad.
Not every moving abroad story is a success story. And where there is a huge risk, there can be a huge reward, but there can also be regret.
Be abroadable
For some people, the stresses of moving abroad, or the trauma of unforeseen events which alter their lives, makes them wish they’d never done it in the first place. Not many expats experience this, but it can happen.
How can you avoid moving abroad regrets? My best advice would be to try and visit the place you plan to move to beforehand. Research the expat community there, and resources for foreigners. Find a support team there!
Going blindly into a foreign country may present itself to be much more difficult than you imagined it would.
“I’m constantly depressed because I miss home”
Take it from me: depression can hit even the MOST independent and adventurous of people!
I was NEVER that person who missed home or got sentimental. Plus, I never was super connected to my home. I thought I had good family relationships, I thought that it wouldn’t be such a big deal to be apart.
WRONG!!
Within three months of moving abroad, I slipped into a depressed state around the holidays. In China, Christmas isn’t celebrated, so I felt super estranged as my “former world” got into the holiday spirit while I didn’t.
Missing birthdays, which had happened before when I lived in the States, hit so much harder while living abroad.
Depression would come back pretty much every winter, especially during the COVID years when I wasn’t able to visit home. (I went four years without visiting my family, and finally got home again in 2023).
Eventually, these depression cycles became so common and so close together, that depression became a norm. I wouldn’t have known it if I hadn’t found a book at a book fair about depression. But I was clinically depressed!
Through conversations with fellow expats in Beijing and around Asia, I came to find out that depressed feelings are normal for expats to experience from time to time.
Feelings of loss and sadness when you’re missing home can come and go, and that’s normal. But when these feelings stick around for a while or grow especially intense, you can find yourself facing full-on depression.
“What should I do if I’m depressed from moving abroad?”
I had thought I was some kind of an anomaly. I was pretty upset and embarrassed when I realized that I was truly depressed.
But in time, I came to realize that depression is just one of those risk factors when moving abroad.
I’m not saying that anyone should live with depression like it’s normal!! If you have depression, you should definitely seek professional help quickly, as well as help from family and friends at home, if possible.
I did BOTH at different points.
I’m just saying to be prepared. DON’T freak out or think something is wrong with you if you move abroad and find yourself struggling with seasonal or temporary feelings of depression.
Address any depression you have quickly and effectively, so that you can go on building the expat life of your dreams!!
“My Parents Got Older and My Friends Moved On”
Time flies, but it seems like it soars when you move abroad.
Perhaps due to the chaotic experience of trying to understand a new place and maybe even a new language, days and weeks just sprint by.
The next thing you know, you’re home, and your grandparent who was walking last year is now using a wheelchair.
Or your dad has a lot more gray hair and wrinkles than you remember.
Or you brother who was as tall as your shoulder grew so tall that you’re looking up at him.
Your friend had a baby, your sister got engaged, etc. etc. etc.
And you missed it!
For family people, this can especially be one of those moments which makes you question if moving abroad ruined your life. You can’t get that time back.
If you’re a really big family person, then honestly I wouldn’t recommend moving abroad if you can avoid it.
The expats I know who struggled the most with living abroad are the ones who regretted being far from their families. The separation and missing events was too painful for them.
Some things are not worth the opportunity cost, even moving abroad. If being away from your family will affect you so much, then embrace the fact that they hold such an important role in your life, and stay near them.
Be Abroadable
“Since moving Abroad, I’ve become more/less ______”
When you move abroad, you will change. A LOT. And most of those changes will be good ones (hopefully!).
However, being in a new country and a new system comes with its fair share of struggles. And those can be hard!
Personally, living in China has grown many wonderful qualities in me. I’ve become more understanding, more compassionate, MUCH stronger and mentally tough, and more resilient to big life struggles.
However, there are some ways that I’ve changed while living in China that I really don’t like.
I’ve grown much more pessimistic. I assume the worst about things, and am always expecting something to go wrong. This is most likely due to the fact that foreigners hit lots of snags within the system here.
Opening banking accounts, apartment hunting, and many other important life aspects are an uphill battle for expats in China. Some days, you can spend hours in lines or offices only to get turned away.
I’ve also lost a lot of trust. After several bad experiences with workplaces here (I LOVE my current school and they are incredibly supportive and honest, REAL gems!!) I’ve become defensive and critical of others.
Perhaps this goes hand-in-hand with pessimism. But before moving to China, I was a much more open, more trusting and sunshiny person. And I often hate it when I catch these new traits of mine affecting my life.
Developing some negative traits is one of the likely tradeoffs of moving abroad. But I can confidently say that the good traits which living abroad has grown in me far outweigh the negative ones.
Be abroadable
“I Don’t Fit In Anywhere Since Moving Abroad”
This is the biggest conundrum of living abroad, in my opinion. Perhaps it’s one of the biggest reasons why someone might claim that moving abroad ruined their life.
It will take a long time to fit into a new country. And if it’s a country like China, then no matter how perfectly I learn this language, locals can tell just by my face that I’m a foreigner.
But this summer (2023), I got to go home for the first time in four years to the US. The first week I spent at home was one of the hardest weeks of my life!
I was so confused, because I felt like such a foreigner around my friends and family. The ways in which they behaved, spoke, interacted, and went about daily life were so different than I was used to!
I committed so many faux pas in restaurants, cabs, and other public places, because I’d completely forgotten some of the ettiquitte from my home country.
It was terrifying, but for expats, it’s normal. This phenomena is called “Reverse Culture Shock”, and I wrote a post about it during my time at home here.
So you find that you don’t quite fit into your expat country. And then you go home and find out that you don’t quite fit in there anymore! Yikes!
You feel like you belong nowhere…but is that really how it is?
As an expat, you may feel like you belong nowhere. But in reality, your adaptability and willingness to go to new places means that you can sort of belong everywhere.
Be Abroadable
This is probably one of the biggest and toughest pills to swallow. But once that “pill” takes effect, you start to see that you’ve become an international citizen, someone who can love and adapt to new places.
There’s a real feeling of empowerment in that!
So does moving abroad really ruin your life?
For the unfortunate few who really find themselves in a difficult expat situation, moving abroad can be traumatic at worst.
But for the majority of us, yes moving abroad will present plenty of struggles…but in the end, it will all be so worth it.
Here in China, I’ve had my fair share of trials which really put me in the pits. But I’ve learned a new language, seen so many new places, been humbled and changed by the people here, and I even met my future spouse!
Despite all of the challenges, I wouldn’t change a thing. Not one!
I hope this post didn’t scare you, because that’s not my intention at all. I simply wanted to bring attention to the lesser-known downsides of living abroad which I wish I’d known before moving!
If you do your research and move with consideration and intentional preparation for support, moving abroad will probably be one of the best decisions you make in your life.
And I’m here to help! I’m glad you found my blog, and I hope the resources here will be an asset to you.
Moving abroad hasn’t ruined my life! If anything, it’s been a highlight, and I know it can be for you, too. Are you currently an expat? I’d love to hear your advice about moving abroad in the comments!
You May Also Like:
7 Signs of Reverse Culture Shock and How To Deal With It
Moving Abroad Meaning, Helpful Info, and Tips
Expat Women: Support & Love from a Sister Abroad
