As expat women, we face so many hurdles living abroad. Community is hard to find, and encouragement perhaps even harder. I’ve written this post for my fellow expat ladies: here’s what I hope you need to hear.
Welcome to my blog! I’m truly glad you’re here.
My name is Nat, and I’m a US expat who’s been living in China for five years now.
Over the years, I’ve struggled with self-doubt, uncertainty, crippling homesickness, loneliness, and feeling plain old lost.
If any of that sounds like you…scroll on. I hope you’ll be encouraged by what you read. ♥️
For The Expat WomEn Who Are Doubting Themselves
Self doubt happens to all of us. And to be frank (and maybe controversial!) I’m never going to tell anyone to completely ignore their doubts!
Why? Well, because I’ve found that my doubts have their purpose. They make me slow down and think about my situation, question myself (in a good way), and make sure that I’m taking the best steps possible.
But very much of the time, our doubts do tend to hold us back.
If you’re facing self doubt, ask yourself: are these doubts founded on any kind of truths I need to face? Or am I just beating myself up and looking for excuses to stay in my comfort zone?
@beabroadable
Assess why your self-doubts exist. If it’s because you’re afraid to take a step, or because you’re subconsciously making excuses to leave things at “good” rather than pushing for better, then don’t let those doubts win out.
A Writing Exercise for the Self-Doubting
Write your doubts about yourself down, maybe even write why you think these doubts exist. After that, take a step back, as if you’re looking at another person’s life, and assess things logically and reasonably.
For example:
- My doubt: “I’m not good/qualified enough for _____.”
- I might ask myself: “What would I need to feel qualified enough? Is this a genuine issue, or just my imposter syndrome talking?”
- My doubt: “I’m not sure I have what it takes to _______.”
- I might ask myself: “What are some of the big accomplishments I have, or steps that I’ve taken which I wasn’t sure I’d be able to take? Why do I think that can’t I do it again?”
You get the idea. Have a conversation with yourself in a journal, or with a trusted friend or therapist.
Assess your self doubts. Assess if they have any validity to them (spoiler alert: most of the time, they DON’T). And once you’ve gotten to the bottom of each and every one on your list, take the steps you need to take.
For what it’s worth, I know how much grit it takes to join the herd of expat women. If you got this far…I think you’ve got what it takes to go farther.
For The Expat WOmEn Who Feel Unsafe or Unstable
First of all, sister: listen to your gut. If you truly think that your situation could be heading in a bad direction, don’t be afraid to move on from it.
We seriously underrate our instincts when it comes to safety. It’s wild how we can just “feel” when something presents a threat.
Talk to people you trust. Maybe they’re abroad with you, or maybe they’re someone at home with a fresh perspective.
Make the changes you need to make in order to feel safe. Sure, your absence may cause gaps in your workplace or community, but you’re responsible for your own well being first and foremost.
So if that means dropping your job, changing neighborhoods, or maybe even moving back home…do it. If you truly feel it’s the right thing for your safety, then trust your instincts.
Concerns About The Security of your SItuation
However, maybe your feelings of fear aren’t related to safety, but they’re related to personal security.
Maybe your situation was working for you before. Your work opportunity was great, and the country you moved to made you feel alive.
But after some time, maybe a few years (or even decades!), that feeling is gone.
Or maybe it’s the people you were with before. Once upon a time, being with this crowd was so fulfilling. But now they’ve changed, or you’ve changed, or both.
Maybe the country you moved to has changed in some major ways, and now you find yourself struggling with life here.
Take the good memories, and your thankfulness for the good times, and, with gratitude, move on.
@beabroadable
You can leave without becoming hateful or spiteful. Again, the most important thing is to trust your gut, and to move in the direction that seems best for your safety and wellbeing.
Sometimes it’s even scarier to make a change than it was to get into this expat situation in the first place. But if you were able to take the steps that led you here, I promise you, you’ll be able to take the next step.
For the Expat Women Who Are Missing Home & It’s Overwhelming
When you moved abroad, you didn’t expect to miss everyone so much. Or maybe you did.
Either way, now you find yourself biting back the tears when you call and see how much your nephew has grown since you left, or realize that your little sister is graduating and you weren’t there for any of her college years.
Your grandparents are losing their mobility, your dad has wrinkles around his eyes that you don’t remember seeing before…
…and that time you gave up with them to be abroad won’t come back to you.
That immense feeling of loss is a part of what comes from this lifestyle. I wish there was some kind of magic spell to make that pain vanish…but there isn’t.
So what will you do?
Will you allow that pain to overrun the experience you’re having? To be gently but brutally honest with you, that would be a waste.
One of the biggest gifts you can give those precious faces whom you’re missing is to THRIVE where you are. Use this time wisely. Invest in your experience. Stay connected to home, but get the MOST out of this time.
@beabroadable
Find ways to keep the spark of your relationships alive. Call instead of text. Order flowers or a special gift to their homes for a holiday. This time will pass quickly, and you’ll be together soon.
Honestly, I’ve found that my most important relationships grew even be stronger from my time abroad! Distance really can make the heart grow fonder.
For the WOmEn Abroad Who Feel Alone
Maybe you felt like a bit of an outsider at home, and you thought moving would be easy.
But then you found yourself a stranger, in the midst of a world where people have their own families and groups. And you’re always the odd one out.
Friendships are hard in your second language. Your home-culture’s holidays are hard when no one around you is celebrating with you.
And let’s not even talk about the birthdays spent sitting at home alone, no cake or friends around you, silently willing your phone to announce a call from home.
Honey, if you’re stuck being the stranger in this new home of yours, then start by being your own friend.
Take yourself out for coffee. Or bring a picnic to that park near your home.
Have enough respect for this time with yourself to shut off your phone. Take in the world around you. Let your mind wander. Capture thoughts in a journal. Observe. Read. Meditate. Be.
Friends come and go, and there will be a season where you’re among friends again. But for now, you’ve been given the rare and beautiful opportunity to live with yourself.
@beabroadable
And some days you’ll be frustrating, and some days you’ll be extraordinary. But after learning to live with yourself, trust me, you will be a much more wonderful companion to your future friends and partners.
Embrace this time, even the sadness that comes with it. Days of togetherness will come again soon.
For the WomEn Abroad Whose Families or Friends Are Doubting Them
As expat women, we have some additional hurdles to face.
As if doubting ourselves isn’t hard enough, calling home to hear a barrage of doubts from loved ones can multiply that pain.
Not everyone shares our vision, or can see our gifting and capabilities. Some of us are blessed with very supportive and understanding families. But for some, our families are one of the biggest weights.
You wish your grandma would stop asking why you aren’t moving home this summer,
or your aunt would stop prying about relationships and reminding you that your biological clock is ticking,
or your sister would stop accusing you of being selfish by not coming home more often.
Listen: family is important, but throwing our own lives and aspirations away to meet their desires for our lives is not always the answer.
@beabroadable
Sometimes we need to make sacrifices for our families. But sometimes we need to pull away to invest in our own lives. It’s a hard balance to find.
Remember that this life that you’re living only gets one run-through. You don’t want any regrets, not from what you didn’t do with your own life, but also not from what you failed to invest in your family at home.
There’s no one-size fits all with family situations. Take the time to find a balance that is right and fair, and be “all-in”.
For The WomEn Living Abroad Who Feel Completely Lost
Once upon a time, you were home.
You lived among people you understand, speaking a language you understand, living a life you understood.
When you moved abroad, the rug was swept out from under you. You redefined yourself, and you redefined your life! You struggled, stayed, and blossomed.
But now, when you look home, you realize you’re more and more distant from it, and from who you were there. Maybe you even went home and realized that you no longer fit in.
And now you’re terrified.
Note: This phenomenon is called reverse culture shock and I wrote about it in this post ♥️ .
You never saw yourself staying long-term in your expat country. But now you can’t see yourself going home. Where do you belong? Can you belong?
This is probably one of the most beautiful (albeit tragic) parts of being an expat: there is nowhere you can completely, perfectly fit into after moving abroad. You’ve changed too much.
But the beauty is that these particular changes which came from being an expat woman is that they have made you the kind of person who can fit in almost everywhere. And not many people can do that!
You’re highly adaptable. You’re resourceful, creative, and quite a problem solver.
You love your friends. You have a newfound empathy for outsiders, and can draw them in with ease.
Moving abroad is one of the most effective ways to change yourself, drastically and permanently.
And yes, change is uncomfortable, and it makes life and belonging confusing…
…but look at who you’ve become because of it! Embrace it!
Summary
Dear Expat Women, whether homesick or worried or doubting or doubted: you have what it takes to keep going.
Regardless of the reason for which you chose this lifestyle, it took strength to get here.
It took guts and grit and intelligence and operating in spite of fears.
As I look back on my own journey, I see so many times when I really could have used a nudge from someone else who understood my fears and worries.
Five years on, I’m settled in, conversational in a second language, and engaged to my dearest friend (who is a fellow expat in Beijing).
I couldn’t find any kind of encouragement on the internet for expat women…so I thought I’d write my own.
I’m truly glad you’re here.
To the amazing community of expat women: I’m thrilled to be among you, living out my dreams amidst the craziness of expat life. I hope this post, and the other resources on my blog, will be a huge help to you!
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