When you were moving abroad, maybe you pictured yourself on literal or proverbial mountaintops, on top of the world! However, the reality is that many of us deal with Expat Grief. So what exactly is it?
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If you’re new here, hi and welcome to my blog! My name is Nat, and I’m an American girl who’s been living in Asia for 5 years.
After moving abroad, it’s common for people to be totally blindsided by emotions and inner struggles that they never thought would apply to them.
I NEVER struggled with seasonal depression, anxiety, or bouts of grief in my LIFE until I moved abroad, but now I deal with all three on a regular basis! Yikes!
There are lots of difficult realities about moving abroad, some of which I discuss in this post. But expat grief is probably one of the toughest and most common realities of moving abroad.
So what exactly is it?
What Is Expat Grief?
First off, an expat is someone who moves abroad long-term, but with plans to return home. People who move to a new country without planning to return home are usually called immigrants, and I discuss the difference here.
So being an expat is usually looked at as a pretty great thing. Yeah, you live far from home. But it’s not forever! Plus, you’ll visit home! So why is there still such a thing as expat grief, then?
Unfortunately, at the time when I’m writing this post, there is no official or medical definition for expat grief that I am able to find online.
However, as I’ve lived abroad for five years now, I feel that I can discuss how I and many other expats would define expat grief (and on that note, fellow expats–I’d love to hear you chime in in the comments!).
Definition: Expat grief is the sense of loss associated with moving away from your home country and, in most cases, also your family.
In a sense, this type of grief really is a kind of mourning! As expats, we mourn:
- Years we don’t spend with our families;
- Missed holidays with family, as well as big family milestones;
- Engagements and weddings of friends or siblings;
- Loved ones we didn’t get a chance to say goodbye to;
- Funerals we missed;
- The sense of familiarity we had with our home culture and language;
And the list could go on.
Because being an expat, or “living abroad” is often portrayed as something adventurous and glamorous, many people might balk at the idea of there being such a thing as “expat grief”.
However, people move abroad for all kinds of reasons, not just for adventure! Thus, the phenomenon of expat grief is very real, very strong, and in my humble opinion, very justified.
What Causes Expat Grief?
So many factors can trigger expat grief! Some include:
- Seeing how your parents or grandparents aged while you were away;
- Seeing how your sister’s/brother’s/friend’s children are growing up;
- Maybe the smaller children in your extended family don’t even remember you! (Mine don’t!);
- Missing holidays or important events with family;
- Disasters or major events in our home countries;
And that’s just a FEW!
Personally, I go through cycles of expat grief pretty much yearly, and it gets really bad during the holidays. It’s almost like seasonal depression.
China doesn’t celebrate Christmas, so while my social media feeds fill with photos and stories of friends getting holiday drinks, shopping, and being together from one social event to the next, holidays where I am are lonely!
My workplace gives foreign employees a day off for Christmas Day, but the first year when I was here, it was the MOST depressing day of my life! Sure, I had the day off…but for what? I literally sat at home alone on Christmas.
And I had that WHOLE day to think about the people I was missing, to think about them missing me too, to wait for my family to wake up so I could finally call them…opening gifts together over spotty wifi sucked.
It’s no wonder that the term “Expat Grief” has been coined and is slowly becoming more spoken about! Moving abroad is a HUGE life change — one that will change you permanently.
Don’t be surprised if even much smaller things than holidays or big events in your home country trigger some kind of grief. Home is always home, and there will always be a part of us that stays there.
Expats’ Loss Of Control, And How It Affects Us
One of the scariest parts of being an expat, and in my opinion a major trigger of expat grief, is the total lack of control we have. If something goes wrong at home, we are so far away!
Several expats that I’ve known have had a parent die while they were overseas. It was sudden, and they couldn’t get home. Watching them going through that process is heart-wrenching.
But the fear that I could be the next one in their shoes proves to be even more sobering. We can’t control the things that are happening at home, and that can certainly cause anxiety at best, grief at the worst.
Traumatic events like this may trigger a lot of questioning: “Was it right of me to move here? Was it right of me to stay as long as I have? Could I have helped/saved them if I was home?”
Dealing with all of these questions can certainly cause a distinct type of grief. In such instances, connecting with a trusted friend or even a therapist to go over your uncertainties may prove very beneficial.
How To Deal With Expat Grief
As I’ve just mentioned, in some situations, therapy or life-counseling may be necessary.
Grief can be crippling, and the last thing we want is for grief to freeze us where we stand, so that we’re no longer able to enjoy and experience things around us.
Also, talking to a trusted friend can provide a lot of relief. Personally, many of my friendships have actually DEEPENED since moving abroad, because I started to have such deep and personal discussions with loved ones.
Journaling can be an incredibly cathartic experience. Some of us really benefit from leaving our feelings on a piece of paper. For myself, if I start with journaling, sometimes I find I don’t need any further support!
Gratitude journals are one way you can remind yourself that there is SO much good in your life. Every day when I wake up and don’t have messages from my family about someone being sick…to me that’s HUGE!
Recognizing that, for today, my family and I are healthy gives me SO much gratitude. I never know when a difficult day will come for us. Rather than living in fear of those days, I celebrate each healthy day we get.
Share your customs and traditions with new friends! This is one of the most healing things I have done, especially during the holidays!
Over the years, I’ve hosted Christmas at my house, baked cookies for my entire workplace (it took forever!) and done so many other things to share my holiday traditions with people.
Seeing their joy at experiencing some things for the first time brings a new kind of magic to the holidays, and helps me to feel less sad about missing out on things at home.
Keep yourself and your customs. Find a way to preserve those parts of your life that are most important to you.
Sure, things will look differently when you move abroad. But honor your self and your customs, even if you’re somewhere new. Let yourself change, but hang onto those parts of you that make you YOU!
Summary
If you’re planning to move abroad, I really hope that this post didn’t scare you! My goal in writing this post was to:
- Let expats who may be dealing with expat grief know that they are NOT ALONE!
- Prepare expats-to-be for something which not many people know to expect before they move abroad.
Expat grief is a common experience, but it doesn’t have to ruin your time abroad! By utilizing the ideas in this post, you can be well prepared to work through things and continue living the life you dreamed of.
You May Also Like:
Moving Abroad RUINED My Life! The Hidden Downsides of Being an Expat
What Is Moving Abroad? Full Picture from an Expat
What To Do Before Moving Abroad: The Ultimate Checklist
