Have you heard of expat guilt? While it may be a very specific situation, let me tell you: it’s not uncommon in the expat world! Today, I’ll be writing about what expat guilt is, as well as how we can work through it.
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Hey, and welcome to my blog! My name is Nat, and I’ve been an expat for five years. I started this blog to help other expats find helpful resources that I wish I’d had while living abroad these past five years.
Today, we’re talking about expat guilt. So what exactly is it?
While there doesn’t seem to be an official definition online (yet!), I think most expats would agree with the following:
Expat guilt is when a person living abroad feels guilty for reasons connected to their status as an expat.
Oftentimes, these feelings have to do with missing loved ones, as well as the passing of time in general. The feeling of being far away from home and from loved ones may also cause this guilt.
These feelings often lead the expat to question whether or not the best thing was done when they moved abroad, or if it was a selfish or hurtful decision.
Oof…that packs a punch! Expat guilt really isn’t a thing of our imaginations. If you’re living abroad, you probably know EXACTLY what I’m talking about!
Let’s get into some more quick facts about expat guilt, as well as how to handle it.
1. Expat Guilt is a Common Phenomenon
Yep! It’s SUPER common for expats to struggle with Expat Guilt at some point during their lives abroad!
From my personal experience, I have friends of all demographics (from every continent and age group) in Beijing, and every single one of them has mentioned struggles with feelings of guilt at some point.
Expat life tends to be portrayed as pretty glam, but the reality is, there are a lot of hardships involved.
So if you’ve been hit with expat guilt, don’t freak out! What you’re experiencing is nothing uncommon or abnormal. It’s just a difficult part of moving abroad, which can be addressed with intentional effort.
2. There are many Reasons, Big & Small, which cause it
You’d be surprised at the things that can start an expat’s guilt cycles! A list of a few common causes I’ve either heard of or experienced personally are:
- Missing birthdays holidays, and other big events for loved ones at home;
- Visiting home and seeing that parents, siblings, or children got older;
- Having a better quality of life in the expat country than family members have at home;
- Not talking as much with family and friends due to time differences;
- Having regrets about things they did or didn’t do when they were living in their home country;
- Feeling helpless or like they should be doing more for their loved ones;
- Feeling like the family members living abroad with them aren’t thriving as they should be;
- Feeling that their children may struggle with making friends while living abroad with them;
…and I could probably add another ten items to this list, but we’ll pause here.
You’ll notice that all of these factors have to do with loved ones, either at home or living abroad with us. The takeaway from this is: your relationships become even MORE important after moving abroad, not less!!
3. It May Lead to More Serious Issues if Not Addressed
While it may be normal to feel grief as an expat, especially during certain holidays or family events spent abroad, these emotions can get out of hand if not dealt with.
Personally, I’ve experienced a few months-long bouts of depression while living abroad. It’s usually (if not always) following a feeling of some kind of guilt surrounding family or my circumstances.
In the beginning, I’d always shrug the expat guilt off, and just assume that it was something I had to live with as a result of my life decisions.
With time, I realized that much of this guilt stemmed from anxiety over the loss of control I have when being abroad. Something can happen to my loved ones, and I’m totally incapable of being there to help!
That guilt walked me right into some bigger, darker places, and at one point, I did connect with a counselor online just to get some guidance! That’s what counselors do: they give us tools to stay on track.
4. There are several Methods for Coping with Expat Guilt
Nipping expat guilt in the bud doesn’t always require a therapist!
My very first recommendation for dealing with expat guilt is to STAY IN TOUCH WITH PEOPLE. Your friends and family at home want to hear about your life abroad!
EVERY time I feel anxious about my family or relationships, I find that a phone call helps IMMENSELY. When I hear their voices or see their faces, and when we talk and I realize that they’re doing okay, it helps me a lot.
Stay in touch, especially with friends who are helpful to you!
Some additional suggestions for dealing with expat grief are:
- Keep busy with fun things. Take up a new hobby and expand yourself.
- Balance alone time and social time. Too much of either can get in the way of processing.
- Journal!! Writing down your honest feelings can help to “get them out” of your system and into processing.
- Make plans for visiting home. Visualize your reunions and discuss plans with family.
- Stay active. The connections between our moods and our physical fitness are CRAZY!
- Don’t be afraid to ask for help. Be honest! Whether with friends, family, or a therapist!
5. In Some Cases, Therapy or Counseling may be needed
While the stigma towards therapy is certainly on the decline, there are plenty of people who still think that therapy is a big-old NOPE.
My reply? Don’t be silly. There are people who have trained to HELP OTHER PEOPLE and are HAPPY to sit and sort your brain and your feelings out with you. Take advantage of that!
A therapist will be able to empathize with and understand you more than some family or friends might. Plus, they can objectively look at your situation without getting overly-emotional, and be genuinely helpful.
Therapy can definitely be a bit pricey, though. But there are plenty of online options where you can purchase just several sessions and keep costs minimal.
Expat guilt can paralyze you and hold you back from enjoying the present, if not properly addressed. Rather than be stuck for a while, getting help can effectively help you move forward.
6. Expat Guilt can strike repeatedly – It’s not a one and done deal
While we all wish that expat guilt was something we could conquer once and be done with, the unfortunate reality is that expat guilt can occur again and again.
Similarly to seasonal depression, certain yearly family events can cause a relapse in feelings of guilt. You may find that you have to confront this issue regularly.
In time, you’ll learn to recognize the signs of oncoming struggles with expat guilt, and hopefully your “turnaround” time to dealing with things will grow shorter.
But don’t become discouraged if you find yourself struggling on and off with these feelings of guilt. It doesn’t mean that you’re weak or incapable or anything like that.
Experiencing these feelings just means that you’re human, and that life isn’t always as simple as we wish it was. So don’t beat yourself up! Just address your feelings sooner than later, so you can get back on track.
Summary
Expat guilt can be blindsiding, but thankfully it doesn’t have to be show-stopping! With plans in place to address the struggles of expat guilt, you can rest assured that if and when these feelings come, you’re ready.
Before moving abroad, I had no idea that something like expat guilt existed. If I had, I would have saved myself a LOT of time spent down in the dumps!
Now that I’m aware of what expat guilt is, I’m ready to work through the feelings with a friend, a journal, and some time for self-reflection. What do you do when expat guilt hits? I’d love to chat in the comments!
You May Also Like:
Move Abroad and THRIVE! Making Your Expat Life AMAZING!
Expat Grief: Definition & How To Cope With It
Expat Women: Support & Love from an Expat Sister
